On Boundaries
How to apply the Brahmavihaaras
Please fill out this short, anonymous survey to help improve Empty Your Cup.
Additionally, if you have any questions, please comment below or reply to the email. Questions and objections are both not only welcome, but thoroughly encouraged.
Om Sri Gurubhyo Namah. Salutations to all the teachers.
Last week, we discussed the four attitudes (aka the Brahmavihaaras), and how to apply them in specific situations so that the mind remains calm no matter what is happening in your life. At first, these take effort to cultivate, but eventually, with practice and dispassion they become second nature. The mapping of the four types of situations to the four Brahmavihaaras is as follows:
This week, we will discuss a related topic that is foundational to understanding the attitudes, and also to understanding how to apply Yoga principles in our day to day lives: boundaries.
What is a “boundary”?
The idea of setting personal boundaries was first popularised in the West by self-help authors and support groups in the 1980s, and has recently been gaining traction amongst mental health professionals and influencers. There is a lot of material available on the subject, but for the purposes of this series, we will focus on the practices that are relevant to Yoga. In summary, a boundary is a metaphorical term to indicate a delineation of what is acceptable and unacceptable to you, based on your personal values, beliefs, and comfort level. Things that are acceptable for you are “in-bounds” and things that are unacceptable are “out of bounds.” Openly communicating these boundaries with the people around you allows you to protect yourself from having them violated.
For example, if you don’t like the way someone is speaking to you, setting a boundary with them would mean to inform them, in clear language, that you do not wish for them to speak to you that way, why you don’t want them to speak to you that way, and perhaps a suggested way for them to speak to you instead. Boundaries can be physical, verbal, mental, temporal, or even emotional, and can be asserted in a variety of ways (including non-verbally). Additionally, boundaries need not relate to other people, but also to situations.
How are “boundaries” relevant to Yoga?
In the article on Abhyaas (practice) we discussed a delineation of habits, beliefs, opinions, situations, and relationships that take you to a state of stable tranquility, and those that take you away from it. Abhyaas is defined by Patanjali as follows:
तत्र स्थितौ यत्नोऽभ्यासः॥Tatra sthitau yatnoAbhyaasahOf these (ie. practice and dispassion), practice is that effort which leads to stable tranquility (in the chitta).
- Yoga Sutras 1.13That is, practice (in this context) means to intentionally make an effort to cultivate those things that bring you to a place of stable tranquility. This can be at a two levels:
The level of the world
The level of the mind
On the level of the world, we can optimise for situations that lead us to mental calm. This can mean setting clear boundaries with the people around you, and communicating them effectively, as well as cultivating situations to deepen your own mental tendencies of calm and stability.
आहारशुद्धौ सत्त्वशुद्धौ ध्रुवा स्मृतिः स्मृतिलम्भे सर्वग्रन्थीनां विप्रमोक्षः॥AahaaraShuddhau sattvaShuddhau dhruvaa smritih smritiLambhe sarvaGrantheenaam vipraMokshahIf what is taken in (aahaar) is pure, the buddhi becomes pure. If the buddhi is pure, the memory becomes strong and steady. If the memory is strong and steady, the intelligent one [can be] freed from all bondage.
- Chhandogya Upanishad, 7.26.2The word “aahaar” literally means “that which is consumed” - it includes anything that we consume through our mouths, but also through our senses. This includes food, but also movies, books, TV shows, conversations, and anything else that we take in through the five senses.
All aahaar creates vrittis (perceptions, imagination, memories, etc.), and all vrittis leave impressions in the mind. Think of a time that you watched the news for several days in a row - how did your mind feel? Now think of a time when you read an elevating book for several days - how did your mind feel?
If we don’t want our body to fall sick, we make sure that we eat healthy food. In the same way, if we don’t want our mind to be stressed, we should be careful about what we consume through our senses. Don’t take it on faith - try it for yourself. Make a list of things that make you feel calm, and a list of things that you do that make you feel stressed. Cultivate, as best as you can, those things that make you feel calm, and let go of, as best as you can, those things that make you feel stressed. Try this for a week or so, and take note of how you feel at the end of the week.
P: But what if there are things that I can’t control? What if work stresses me out? I need to work - how can I let go of that?
Jogi: This is where the Brahmavihaaras come in.
Imagine the following scenario:
Two friends are walking down a street. One understands French, the other does not. As they walk down the street, they both see some graffiti on a wall - it is a short sentence, written in French.
The person who understands French looks at the graffiti and feels a sense of outrage and anger bubbling up inside her. The sentence is extremely offensive, and hurts her sentiments.
The person who does not understand French sees the graffiti too, but does not feel any anger or outrage. Instead, she appreciates the calligraphy and the colours.
Ok, what happened here?
The sense inputs were the same - both of them consumed the same aahaar. The difference is in their minds. For one of them, however, the knowledge of the French language was a set of tendencies in her mind. Additionally, she had some beliefs (also mental tendencies) which led her to feel hurt by the meaning of the words.
For the other person, she did not understand any French, and so there was no sense of outrage.
The vrittis in the mind are a lot more than just the bits of information that make it through our five senses. The perception in the mind mixes with previous impressions, brings up associated memories, and creates new imaginations. Additionally, any related kleshas (colourings) are also brought up, leading to feelings of frustration, sadness, anger, or general mental suffering.
This is where the level of the mind comes into play.
The two friends were just walking down the street, how could they have known to avoid looking at the graffiti without first knowing what it said?
Experience itself can be edited to some extent - you can read elevating books, watch elevating movies, listen to elevating talks, and simultaneously exclude things which lead to feelings of stress and anxiety. You can eat sattvic food, be careful about the company you keep, and about what you put in your mind too.
However, while you can control some of the situations you find yourself in, there are many things which we cannot control. In these situations, rather than stressing out about how to remove these tamasic influences from your life (and in doing so making your mind more tamasic), you can use these situations as opportunities to practice Yoga and make your mind more sattvic. Specifically, these are opportunities to practice the Brahmavihaaras.
For example, if a random person is talking about many negative things, you can walk away or ignore them. However, if that person lives with you, for example, you can’t just walk away. You can try to edit the situation at the level of the world by setting a firm boundary with them and informing them about how this make you feel, but even then, there is no guarantee that they will listen.
Instead, you can work at the level of your own mind. In the example of the troublesome roommate, you can apply equanimity to see the person as an empty boat - a result of their causes and conditions. Doing this, you may see that somewhere in the web of causes there is suffering. Perhaps they speak negatively because they suffer. Here, apply compassion - wish for the removal of their suffering. Breathe in their suffering and breathe out the golden light of love upon them, mentally whispering “May you be happy. May you be free from suffering. May you find peace and joy.”
Rather than giving in to their words, rather than agreeing with them, simply smile and wish them happiness. If they are speaking poorly of others, speak words of understanding - speak of the causes and conditions that may have led the subject of their disdain to act the way they do, to foster understanding. Whether or not they agree, this will help to solidify your mental patterns of equanimity and compassion, and will bring about peace and tranquility in your own mind.
Over time, you will become like a lotus leaf in the rain - the drops of water simply roll off, without sticking to it.
This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t set boundaries, just that we need not rely on them for our mental well being. This also doesn’t mean toxic positivity (a la “Good Vibes Only”)! Directly face the suffering rather than suppressing it or hiding from it. Toxic positivity will only lead to the same suffering re-appearing in unexpected ways.
To summarise this:
P: If someone in my life is constantly negative, what should I do?
Jogi: What do you mean by negative?
P: Their words and actions cause stress, anxiety, and other painful emotions to arise in my mind.
Jogi: Apply the four attitudes in order to keep the mind calm.
P: Should I not set a boundary with them?
Jogi: You can, but don’t let it become a crutch. A boundary can be helpful, but it may be a temporary and unsustainable solution. Setting boundaries with people around you does not ensure that troublesome situations will not arise again. The more sustainable solution is to train the mind to react in such a way that you can be calm in the face of all kinds of people, actions, and situations.
The dark side of “boundaries”
There is another side to the story, but in order to understand this, we first need to understand some basic Advaita Vedanta (non-dual Vedanta).
Consider a flower. Let us inquire into what we mean by the word “flower.” It’s a pretty normal word, we use it in our everyday language, and it refers to this object.
There are things that are the flower, and there are some things which are not the flower. In other words, the flower has a boundary. Outside this boundary, it is not the flower, and inside this boundary, it is the flower. Usually, we consider this boundary to be fundamentally real - it is the foundation upon which the “object-ness” of the object rests. Without it, there is no difference between the flower and everything else, and so, without the boundary, there is no “flower” to speak of.
Now let us try to locate this boundary.
Jogi: Does the “flower” stop at its petals?
P: No, that would be ridiculous. When you say “I brought flowers”, it’s not just a bag of petals.
Jogi: Does it stop at the sepals?
P: No. When you say “I brought flowers”, it’s not just the sepals and petals.
Jogi: Does it stop at the stem?
P: No, it includes more than that.
Jogi: Does it include the leaves?
P: Certainly.
Jogi: What about the thorns?
P: Sure, that can also be included.
Jogi: Does it include the water running through it?
P: (pauses) - The flower does contain water, and so we must admit that water is also within the boundary.
Jogi: What about air?
P: Same as the water, the flower contains air as well.
Jogi: Consider the flower as rooted in the soil, still alive and growing. The water moves through it, and then leaves via transpiration. Similarly, the air moves through it, and leaves via respiration or photosynthesis. At what point does the water stop being water and become “flower”, and at what point does it stop being “flower” and become “water” again? At what point does the air stop being air and become “flower”, and at what point does it stop being “flower” and become “air” again?
P: Well, it could be at the point at which it exits the skin of the leaf.
Jogi: What if a a droplet of water is half in and half out?
P: Not sure, maybe let’s decide to call it not the “flower” at that point?
Jogi: Ok, let’s agree on that. Now what if I were to remove a petal from the flower, would it still be a flower?
P: Certainly, yes.
Jogi: What if I removed two petals?
P: It would still be a flower.
Jogi: What if I removed all the petals?
P: Hmm, maybe not, it would need at least one petal.
Jogi: Could you just describe it as a petal-less flower?
P: Yes, perhaps that could work.
This kind of questioning can go on, but as you can see, in order to define the boundary of the flower, there must be one or more points at which the people using the word “flower” collectively agree upon what that boundary is. The boundary is not intrinsic to the object, rather it is a convention for the sake of communication. When P said that it would need at least one petal to be called a flower, that was arbitrarily decided, independent of the reality of the flower itself. Jogi and P needed to agree on the definition in order to use the word.
From a tender age, we learn the conventionally agreed upon boundaries of objects so that we can communicate through language. Through repeated usage and a sort of mental laziness, we don’t dig into the specifics of what we mean, and normally, this works just fine - we all know what a “flower” is. The problem is that we sort of forget that we are speaking in convention and not about actual physical realities.
We can see the issue more clearly when we apply this to ourselves. I have a glass of water in front of me. The moment I take a sip, that same water is now “me.” When I go to the restroom, that water is no longer “me.”
The “body” is based upon a conventional boundary, not a physical one. In this way, all objects, body included, are just ideas, not physical realities. Really speaking, there is no “flower”, and no “you” either - any object is just a conceptual construction.
To quote Alan Watts, “A thing is a think.”
Ok, but how is this relevant to Yoga?
This “boundary-making” capability is called avidya (specifically, avidya is when we “forget” that the boundaries are conventional and not real). It is the first of the 5 kleshas, and the root of all suffering.
Right now, due to avidya, you feel like you are a body-mind-complex in a vast Universe that is separate from you. You’re acting the part of a separate person, but have forgotten that that’s what you’re doing. The four Yogas are the method to dissolve this false sense of separation between “self” and “other” (aka avidya), so you can deeply feel that you are indeed non-different from everything around you, and in doing so be free from all suffering. If you are not the body, then there is neither birth, nor death, nor sickness, nor any other problems. Realising (grokking, if you will) this to be the case, there is no question of suffering that is not imagined.
This dissolution of the boundary between self and other is called Moksha, Nirvana, Realization, or Freedom (we will discuss this entire topic in more detail in future articles, once we get into Advaita Vedanta, but for now this introduction should be sufficient). The purpose of all practices in Yoga is the gradual weakening of this boundary. The weaker the boundary gets, the happier we feel. The stronger the boundary gets, the more dukkha (aka suffering) we feel.
Now this creates a problem. Should we set boundaries or not? If we set boundaries to protect ourselves, we are creating a clear line of separation between self and other, and so strengthening the already strong illusion of separation (aka impeding Moksha).
On the other hand, if we don’t set any boundaries, we run the risk of polluting our minds with mental dirt (chitta-mala), being taken advantage of by others, or having our physical or mental health be compromised, thus also impeding Moksha.
The answer is a little bit of both. This is the same as the balance between Abhyaas and Vairaagya, the twin foundations of Yoga.
Discomfort is like a compass - it shows us in no uncertain terms areas where we need to grow or strengthen ourselves. This is true in Asana (postural Yoga), Praanayaam (~breath-work), and also at the level of the mind. The key is to be systematic, so that we are not overwhelmed by discomfort.
You know your own mind better than anyone else. Start by doing what is within your capacity using your own judgement. At first, set boundaries in such a way that you feel just a little uncomfortable, but not so much that it is unmanageable. Notice this slight discomfort closely, with internal honesty, and work to mitigate it at the level of the mind using the Brahmavihaaras. Once you no longer feel uncomfortable within these boundaries, extend the boundary a little more to include some more discomfort. Use this as an opportunity to practice, once again - lather, rinse, repeat.
P: So are you saying I shouldn’t need boundaries at all?
Jogi: The word “should” cannot be used without a “so that.” You can use boundaries to solve for your mental discomfort, but be careful about becoming dependent on them. Ultimately, you have the ability to get rid of all kleshas (if you want), and so get rid of any need for boundaries. All kleshas result in suffering, and so the more you dissolve them, the happier you will feel.
P: What if someone is invading my personal space? Shouldn’t I tell them to stop, so that I don’t feel mental discomfort?
Jogi: The boundary solves for two things - the invasion of your personal space, and your mental discomfort at the invasion of your personal space. At first, the feeling in the mind can be frustration, anger, or irritation. This is the mental discomfort. Applying the Brahmavihaara of equanimity (in this scenario), your mind can remain calm - but you can still communicate the boundary. With sufficient practice, you can even get rid of the aversion (dvesha) altogether, but this is up to you.
P: What about non-violence to others? Isn’t that a boundary that even Jesus or Buddha would keep?
Jogi: Certainly. But the difference is that the boundary in this scenario is not to preserve the mental well being of Jesus or Buddha as individuals, or that of those close to them, but to preserve and promote the well being of all others, indiscriminately. This kind of boundary is devoid of kleshas.
With repeated practice, over a long period of time, being continuously and unflinchingly honest with yourself, and with assiduous attention (the four keys to practice), you will become strong enough to eliminate (ie. not rely on) your boundaries altogether.
Ramakrishna Paramahamsa uses an example of a sapling. At first, a sapling must be protected with a fence. If there is no fence, someone might trample over it, or animals may come and destroy it. Over time, however, as it grows into a strong, grounded tree, the fencing can be removed.
The Yogi’s mind is like a sapling. At first, it is vulnerable to suffering. Eventually, as the Yogi learns how to navigate the mind skilfully, the protective layer can be weakened, and then removed altogether. Keep it in balance though - while removing boundaries too fast can lead to too much discomfort, thus hindering progress, reliance on boundaries leads to a lack of progress.
Any boundary to protect your mind from discomfort is ultimately a crutch, although extremely important at first. Use the feeling of discomfort as an indicator of where you need to practice, and over time work towards letting go of the need for boundaries altogether.
Until next time:
Notice what you eat (your aahaar) - through your mouth, and through your senses, and carefully cultivate the situations in your life to lead towards stability and tranquility.
Write down one aahaar that makes you feel a slight mental discomfort (e.g. watching the news, a group of friends, a talking about a particular topic, etc.).
Use the framework of the Brahmavihaaras to relieve the mental discomfort such that you can include this aahaar within your boundary without suffering.
As always, please don’t hesitate to comment below or reach out directly with any questions, objections, or comments. Also, don’t forget to fill out the survey!
Next time: On Praise and Blame - solidifying equanimity